Got back on Tinder and OkCupid. I’m not invested in the outcome and that is the perfect mindset to date. Just nice conversations that lead to nothing.
Being healed isn’t a prerequisite to dating them. It’s better that I’m not. Most men want to date a woman who’s like their dog: perky, cute and obedient. John taught me that. I don’t want to waste the best version of me on men anymore. They won’t appreciate it.
I typically hate gratitude posts. They remind me of tithing: if it isn’t done in the proper spirit it can come off as gimmicky and trite. But something about the questions in Morgan’s posts makes me want to probe deeper.
My theme for 2022 is “Sow What?” This year, and probably through the end of my Uranus Opposition, I wanted to plant seeds. I said I wasn’t expecting anything to happen. I challenged myself to ask “What is the point of what I’m doing?” and “Why does this matter?, if something moved me. I wanted to probe what I thought mattered and why I’m giving it space on my life.
Then, Morgan’s posts hit me here:
“When you start to practice gratitude right where you are, you’re also practicing having gratitude for what’s to come. You are growing in your ability to sow seeds and water them faithfully. In this space, you start to delight in imagining a better future…and not only for you but for others. You start to be excited about what’s to come in your life and the lives of family and friends.”
Morgan Harper Nichols
I’m grateful when I can help people. It gives me the chance to dream. I’m good at doing that for others. I don’t begrudge other’s happiness. Success isn’t scarce nor indirectly proportional to my failures. I just wish God would bless me, too. Or, I wish he would have. It’s too late for all of that now.
When happiness is constantly snatched from your reach, you learn to stop trying. And John finally got me to that point with companionship. I’m grateful to him for that.
And I have 328 days to dream and play. Opportunities abound where I can be grateful for what I have now and comes next.
Tonight was the first Tuesday we didn’t have a date. I didn’t make plans on how to spend the time but it worked out.
I looking at my powelines in the library when I started tinkering with TMD’s logo. I like the rough draft.☺️
Then, an old friend reached out and we planned a chat for tonight, just as John and I would’ve been settling into dinner. It was great. We talked as I walked through a local park. I explained that while I had no idea where I was headed, I knew the path I was on wasn’t working. It was time to try a new one. Any new one. He said he understood and that I was brave.
Afterwards, I took myself for some sushi and bought a waffle cream cones from Coldstone. No ice cream – just the cones. Last week’s $100 ice cream binge from Dairy Queen still filled my freezer. I thought the cones would be a nice complement. Before I ate, I headed to the Preserve to record video then walked around my neighborhood for a bit. I survived date night date-less. Go me.
Next week, I’m going to finish the Gottman book. Date #8 is dreams. With him, my dreams were hidden, even from me. We could’ve never finished this together. I’m glad he brought me this far. I’ll love him forever*, just for that one act. He was my adventure and play buddy.
*But I will kick him in the dick, the first chance I get. However, that’s an improvement from wanting to chain him to a radiator in a basement, so I consider it progress.