Cashing out.

Spiraling the drain. That’s the best way I can describe my state of mind right now. If I were brave, I share a picture of my studio, which would perfectly showcase the dumpsterfire raging in my head.

I spent the first part of August in the fetal position. I evenutally got out of bed and became functional, but then made the mistake of sharing a new idea I had with someone. The person claimed to support me, but didn’t. I had barely gotten the idea out before they started offering feedback (“If I were you…”) and then proceeded to steer me back towards the same traditional life path that I’ve failed at for over 40 years. People just don’t listen. So, I’m done. I’m going to tell them what they want to hear, even if it’s not true.

Yes, I am finally going to start lying.

This is a common practice for most people, but I don’t do it. It doesn’t make me feel good and it’s really hard to do. It’s like speaking a foreign language: there’s a lot of awkward pausing to figure things out, which blows my cover. I’ve told some lies successfully, over the last week. Some were big and it admittedly made my life easier. I feel bad, but since I already feel horrible, the shift wasn’t too noticable. Yeah, progress.

I also cashed out a 401k today. It’s a small sum, but it’ll pay for a trip. Locations TBD. I just took a class on ways to earn income (e.g. ecommerce) so maybe I can make some money while on the road. I want to stretch this trip through the end of the year.

But what to do with the cat. I thought he might die but he’s actually doing fine. I’d hate to leave him at a shelter, but will if it comes to that. I can’t stay here just because of him. Hmm…lying has hardened me. I definitely wouldn’t have considered that before.

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