Cashing out.

Spiraling the drain. That’s the best way I can describe my state of mind right now. If I were brave, I share a picture of my studio, which would perfectly showcase the dumpsterfire raging in my head.

I spent the first part of August in the fetal position. I evenutally got out of bed and became functional, but then made the mistake of sharing a new idea I had with someone. The person claimed to support me, but didn’t. I had barely gotten the idea out before they started offering feedback (“If I were you…”) and then proceeded to steer me back towards the same traditional life path that I’ve failed at for over 40 years. People just don’t listen. So, I’m done. I’m going to tell them what they want to hear, even if it’s not true.

Yes, I am finally going to start lying.

This is a common practice for most people, but I don’t do it. It doesn’t make me feel good and it’s really hard to do. It’s like speaking a foreign language: there’s a lot of awkward pausing to figure things out, which blows my cover. I’ve told some lies successfully, over the last week. Some were big and it admittedly made my life easier. I feel bad, but since I already feel horrible, the shift wasn’t too noticable. Yeah, progress.

I also cashed out a 401k today. It’s a small sum, but it’ll pay for a trip. Locations TBD. I just took a class on ways to earn income (e.g. ecommerce) so maybe I can make some money while on the road. I want to stretch this trip through the end of the year.

But what to do with the cat. I thought he might die but he’s actually doing fine. I’d hate to leave him at a shelter, but will if it comes to that. I can’t stay here just because of him. Hmm…lying has hardened me. I definitely wouldn’t have considered that before.

So much to say. (Part 2)

I’ve spent 15 years wondering how to approach The Meantime Diaries. I’ve started and stopped various iterations. The timing feels right, now; maybe the end feels closer so it’s more appropriate.

I’m going to carve this space into three sections:

Me/Then Responding to my old journal entries. I want to give Me the truth and support she needed back then. No false hope. Just honest responses.

Storytelling “The Frog and the Ox.” I won that contest and unknowingly planted a seed about limitations.

Myself/Now – Vulnerability, shame, and lots of Brene Brown. I’m trying to rise strong and Brene writes that this is the part of the story most never let others see. Welcome to mine.

This was a good day.

I/Horizon – I’m trying to envision a future that’s not based on the past. Mainly this will be reminders of where I want to convince myself that change is possible, even though I have no idea how to get there.

Dave was great. I spent most of the concert with my eyes closed. It hurt too much to try to peer at him through all of the couples in front of me. Every time I looked, I would ask myself why I was such a fuck up. I didn’t have an answer, so I just closed my eyes.

I could feel everything they played. I saw the stage lights behind my eyes. That was enough. The guy next to me asked me if I enjoyed myself, during the last song. I told him yes; I was just listening to Dave the way I do at home. He laughed and gave me a high five.

My love of DMB started in the mid-90s. I danced to Ants Marching in a skit for my high school’s Beta Club nominee for State Vice President. She was great, but didn’t win, unfortunately. Her name was Kristy Tart and so we dressed up like Pop Tarts wearing colored sandwich boards and matching shirts and leggings. It was great to be part of that.

I have a photo to prove this happened, but it’s at my dad’s house, aka the Island of things I’ll never see again. So you’ll have to take my word that the bit was funny, ingenious, and everything a Beta Club skit from 1996 should be.

I’ve only seen Dave Mathews in concert one other time, eight years ago. I’d waited almost 20 years to see them and, sadly, it was disappointing. In all fairness, that was my fault, not the band’s. They notoriously played less than popular songs and usually acoustic versions. Not a big sing-a-long group. I should’ve done my research. This time though, I was ready. I loved every minute. Expectations are everything.

…but I do enjoy a good surprise. They were winding down their set and then drum beat changed to a familiar tune. I didn’t want to believe it until the beat dropped.

They were closing with Ants Marching. I screamed – and finally stood up! I associate this song with dancing and so it just seemed right. It was a great night.